


Another Sodding Pregnancy Fic

by Green



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Babies, Deliberate Badfic, F/M, Parody, Pregnancy, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-04 06:19:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/390726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Green/pseuds/Green
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Buffy Pregnancy Fic. 'Nuff said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Another Sodding Pregnancy Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Response to a challenge I imagined. Had to include: song, Spike crying, "Peaches", hot chocolate with marshmallows, Spike spilling his cold seed, Buffy pregnancy, "Captain Cardboard", "Nibblet", "Red", Tara stuttering, and the PTB. See if you can find the other bad plot devices and/or cliches. (written in late 2002)

Spike closed his eyes and imagined his wife's face in his mind. Well, not her face exactly. He actually fantasized about her cute little feet. (A vampire with a foot fetish. You'd think he'd think about her neck or something. Go figure)

Oooooh, that's it, he thought, right before his brain lost capacity to think and his juice spurted into the paper cup.

The things you do for love, he thought as he exited the bathroom, holding his demonic jiz.

"I got it!" he called proudly to the two witches and his adorable Slayer.

From upstairs somewhere, he heard Xander singing rather loudly and annoyingly,

"You are.... my fi----re

My one..... de----si----re

Believe......when I say

I want it that wayyyyyyyyyyyyy"

"Just put it on the kitchen table with the spell stuff" Willow said.

"Sure, Red" Spike answered.

On his way to the kitchen however, Spike's foot caught on the edge of the rug and he fell, spilling his cold seed.

"Bloody, bleeding, sodding, buggering, blimey!" he screamed.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-w....." Tara began.

"What is it, blondie bear?" Buffy called.

Just then, Dawn came running through the kitchen. "Look, I got a B on my....."

"Niblet, look out....." Spike tried to warn her, but Dawns cute little sneakers slipped on something and she fell with a loud crash.

Meanwhile, Xander continued to sing,

"Tell me why----yy

aint nuthin but a heart---ache

Tell me why----yy

aint nuthin but a mis----take

Tell me why---yy

I never wanna hear you say----yyyyy

I WANT IT THA----TTTT WAY----YY!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Shut up you wanker!" Spike shouted.

The witches and the Slayer had come running when they had heard the crash.

"What happened?" Willow asked.

"Ah, Red, I dropped my load all over the linoleum!"

Dawn got up groaning. What Spike just said must have penetrated her little brain, cause she started checking herself.

"Ew, ew, EW!!!" she said as she examined her shoes.

"You spilled our baby batter?" Buffy asked, tears coming to her eyes.

"Don't worry, baby, I've got plenty more where that came from!" Spike said reassurring her.

"No, no, it won't work now," Willow said. The others looked at her questioningly. "If any idea or spell gets messed up the first time its tried around here, it doesn't get retried. You know the way it works."

The others nodded their understanding.

Buffy began to cry.

"I knew......(sniff) I should have .......(sniff) married a human!"

"Oh, would you shut up about Captain Cardboard already!" Spike snapped.

Buffy started weeping in an unconsolable manner. Spike started crying too.

"Oh, Baby, I'm soooo sorry!"

Dawn just looked pissed to have vampire cum all over her K-Swiss.

Just then, Xander came bouncing in.

"Did someone mention linoleum?" Xander asked excitedly.

"Get out, get out, GET OUT!!" Dawn screamed at the five adults.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-what?" Tara said as Willow dragged her back to the living room.

Spike looked at Dawn with sorrow filled eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Lil Bit," he said with a hitch in his voice. He walked away with the others.

That night, after kicking many a demon arse, Spike fell asleep, holding his wife.

Spike suddenly found himself in a strange, misty place with white pillars and whispering and the like. He seemed to be in a waiting room of some kind. He wasn't the only one.

"Hello, Spike," Angel said.

"Peaches," Spike acknowleged. "What are you doing here in my dream?"

"Oh, you aren't dreaming. You are about to meet the Powers That Be."

"Humph," Spike replied. "So what are you doing here?" "I'm about to get my Shanshu groove on," Angel said proudly.

"You truly are a magnificent poof," Spike muttered.

Spike was quickly whisked away by an unspeaking young woman, leaving Angel crying, "But I was next! Hey! Hey! Vampire with a SOUL here!" His voice drifted off as Spike was led to another chamber.

Spike was put into an empty room.

"You have a destiny," boomed a disembodied voice.

"Oh, sod off," Spike answered.

"Your son has a destiny," it said.

"I don't have a son. You've got the wrong bloke. I saw me old Sire a minute ago, though. He's got a kid."

"Your FUTURE son," the voice countered.

Spike grinned wickedly. He was starting to have fun.

"And what if I don't want a son, huh? I'm partial to having a daughter, come to think of it."

"Um....." the voice said, "The prophecy requires a strong...."

"Are you kidding me? Excuse me, do you think a girl can't be strong, can't be the superhero type? Have you met my wife?"

"......Point taken. Daughter it is."

Spike wondered at this.

"You mean, you are gonna help me have a kid with my wife?"

"Yes.... the prophetic child, the Bright and Shining One...."

"Yeah, whatever. Hey, thanks for doing business with you and all, but where's the exit door to this place?"

With that, Spike awoke and made love to his wife.

4 months later

Buffy sat on Spike's lap, sipping her hot chocolate. Spike peered into his cup, satisfied that Dawn had added the extra marshmallows the way he liked.

Dawn smiled at the couple.

"Shayndel?" she asked.

Spike looked at her as if she had just given birth to a pterodactyl. And it sang.

"What?" Spike said.

"For the baby. The name. Shayndel."

"Um......NO." Buffy said. "I was thinking.... Kelsy."

Spike looked as if he were in great pain. "Sweetheart....."

"I know!" Dawn said jumping up. "We can all write down our top choices, and then we share them!"

"Oh yes!" Buffy exclaimed. ""That will be fun!"

Spike looked as if he just swallowed a hot poker.

Half an hour later, the three of them had their lists.

"Well, I'm the mommy, so I get to go first," Buffy said.

Spike and Dawn agreed.

"Okay, here goes," Buffy began. "Kelsy, Sierra, Victoria, and... this one's for you, honey: Harley. I also like Meghan. Also, Bliss." Dawn groaned. "And Galen sounds strong. It means healer. Okay, I'm done. Who's next?"

"Me, me!" Dawn jumped up eagerly.

Spike sighed. "By all means," he said, sounding incredibly like Giles.

"Aaliyah," Dawn said, "Amani, Amethyst, Anquenette.." (Spike and Buffy winced) "..Gelya... which means angelic... Ilana, Jara--- that one means adored warrior, I thought it fit.... and Maia... that's a goddess or something... Ocean and Shayndel," she finished brightly. Buffy looked relieved that it was over.

"Guess that leaves me," Spike said intelligently.

Buffy and Dawn braced themselves for the worst.

"Juliet. Ophelia. Helena. Lysandra. Ella, Jennifer, Heather. Or Elizabeth. I like that name," he smiled lovingly at Buffy. Then he noticed that both of his girls were looking at him strangely. He thought a minute, then gained a macho stance.

"Elizabeth..." he began, "...Like, Lizzie Borden, ya know? Murder and Mayhem...Maybe Typhoid Mary, or uh..." Spike looked around the room and his eyes settled on the weapons chest. "Mace! or.... Battle Axe!" Realizing these were quite lame, he thought some more. "Let's name her Ebola!"

Buffy and Dawn collapsed in a fit of giggles.

5 months later

Buffy held her new daughter, Jara Elizabeth Galen Summers, as Spike looked on. Buffy sang softly to her.... "You are... my fire... my one... desire...." Spike cried.


End file.
